My Minds Mosaic

Brave New Journey

2010-11-24T01:37:00.000-08:00

I believe its time to start this blog on a different journey.

Today..

You know what its like when you look outside the window and you feel a longing for the chance to feel some greater emotion than the feeling of just being here?

As if a glimpse of extraordinary perception just broke through.. I love the feeling, the aching for the chance to fly or a dramatic change to occur in front of my eyes in a matter of minutes. I want to stare outside my window and make something explode or grow or an AMAZING mind bending thing to just.. appear.

Often I just stare in amazement at how beautiful this world we call home really is. The waxing and waning of everything invigorating as it is, makes me want to feel it all in one instant like an orgasm.

Cause and effect.

2010-11-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

Put the headphones in to drown it all out. Those feelings that are so easily buried refuse to let me choke on them this time. It will all just go away, I can pretend. No, it wont. Furthermore you don't care. Making matters worse, That common sense never kicked in. Almost as if your ignoring it too, only your not failing as miserably. So preoccupied by the visual realm, I am stuck here festering as I await you to wake up. I have not the right to be angry I am sure I will be reminded a few times. A sad attempt at showing you give a damn, A meager "sorry". Theres got to be excuses for what you have done, Of course... No responsibility taken.

I am sorry for my sometimes headstrong intolerance.

One of those nights

2010-11-18T00:35:00.001-08:00

I can feel the insomnia creeping over my senses. Almost like some one angered the killer bees in my head. The luminous moon is having its way with the world. Tides are rising in my room as I lie here. Distressed and unable to ignore the trapped energy. Silently I scream hoping for it to subside. I'm driving on the freeway going two hundred mph. The people, ideas and conversations shoot past me. I cannot stop this car, but only wait for it to crash.

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Thank You

2010-11-15T23:26:00.001-08:00

You listen where I have been ignored.

You care when no one else does.

You appreciate me even when I don't think I do enough.

You heal my wounds everyday.

You make me happy when I'm feeling like nothing is going right.

You treat my son like he is yours.

You make me feel like nothing in the world matters to you except our little family.

You help me feel beautiful even when I feel self conscious.

You have a soul that resonates, its so beautiful.

You hold me in your arms and help me feel so safe.

You do so much for me to take some of the load off

You help me feel love like I didn't think possible.

I can't put it all down in words this list goes on too long. All that matters is that we love you forever baby.

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My Love for Art

2010-11-15T23:05:00.001-08:00

I acquired a interesting painting and it has my gears turning. I have always been a fan of the odd and absurd. So I've been thinking I really want to take some art classes and create some of my own oddities. I think it would be a fun and productive hobby I could start. Spend free time releasing stresses.... Yes sir :)

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High Expectations

2010-11-15T22:59:00.001-08:00

Lately I find it hard to juggle my social and personal life. I have always avoided having many friends for various reasons. Right now I do have more friends around than I can handle. With the territory of friendship comes a certain amount of time needed to keep the friendship alive. Some people require and desire more time than others. I also have a personal life that is extremely demanding, my three year old being the main occupant of my time leaving little time for said friends. This doesn't bother me, as I do have friends who are understanding of my life and do have busy lives of their own. I just can't fathom why it is that ignorance and selfishness is so easy to feel, but understanding and patience is not. I do try hard to give everyone time. I apologize for my busy life.

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Hold me down

2010-10-28T15:19:00.001-07:00

After all is said and done I still wonder. Like something was not finished in this. Through all the bull shit and hurt my comfort zone still remains. The side of everyone that secretly likes the pain. Pain that helps you feel alive. Pain that I secretly love. I cannot admit myself to this lunacy as much as I do love it. My good old friend depression smiles at me through the mirror and asks me to stay the night. I fear I may give in. You beckon to me so sweetly your voice whispers in my ear. The temptation grows so greatly. My sweetheart, my love.. Go away, for I cannot stand the sight of you any longer.

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Goodbye

2010-10-26T01:09:00.001-07:00

The memories that I used to hold dear are like a stranger I can barely see right in front of me. Try as I might to focus my eyes it only makes them more of a blur. Something shakes me from behind, trying to suck me back in. No turning around now. I have no want for the dark to swallow me or for the pain. A new journey has only just begun. I will not allow my old inhibitions to keep me from happiness any longer. This is my life I'm living. I'm ready to stay in the sun.

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Forever is not enough.

2010-09-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

The stars aligned when I saw you...

I am taking on a terrifying yet exciting new feeling. One I could have sworn was not possible. I have to allow myself to feel you with no fear of pain. Although you came to me in a crowd of thousands in that moment I knew. You seemed so familiar to me like we have known each other for eons. The truth kept spilling from my lips and there was no stopping it. Your heart speaks to mine in ways that make me feel such a profound love. I want to heal your every scar and erase all the pain you have ever experienced. For the rest of my days I will walk with you hand in hand wherever you want to roam. You have reversed my jaded and ice encased heart condition.. Each moment I spend with you feels like time has ceased to be and each day becomes more and more spectacular than the last.

Until the end of time my soul longs for yours, Jacob.

Mother

2010-09-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am.

Waiting for the opportune moment to slam on these brakes.

I want to slow time down.

Feel each moment warming the skin on my face, pouring onto the floor like a waterfall.

The energy I feel coming from everything makes me burst with love.

The mountains scream with each raping the excavators perform.

The trees sing to my soul and smile at me as I stare at them.

My heart longs for natures embrace, the soothing healing touch of mothers fingers.

"I love you" she tells me, almost as if to reassure my soul.

"Become me, as I have become you."

I know we are all one with our mother.

Lonely mind.

2010-08-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

I find that I am not the best at saying the things I want to say. I'm not good at letting people get to know me either. Some days I wish there was someone who I could spill my guts to. My mind is my prison ultimately. The only deep emotions I can come to let out flow onto paper or in this case the keyboard. I scream for a resolution to my caged mind. I dont think anyone wants to hear what I have in there.

one day perhaps...

Blah Blah Blah

2010-08-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

Weird.

I feel a change sweeping over my life. Although chaos is so evident and developing I feel more pleased with everything. I think my emotional scars are starting to fade quickly. What he did to me is no longer effecting my conscious mind. I have completely stopped taking bullshit from anyone. The law of attraction is a beautiful thing. I have been working towards mastering the use of it. So far the little things are happening easier and easier. meh, this is becoming more of a rambling than anything else lol.

One day my prince will come.

2010-06-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

Oh baby, your energy caresses me so sweetly.

My heart pumps our love through my veins like an addiction.

I adore every touch, every hug, every kiss.

I used to think I understood what love is.

I feel it in every inch of my body.

I want to be your wife, your everything for the rest of this life and for eternity.

I can't walk further into this life without you by my side.

I love everything about you.

I am ready to feel something real forever.

I am ready to live for you.

My night in shining armor, my man, my everything.

Wasted Moments Lost in Time

2010-04-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

If I peeled back my skin and could show you my insides would you recognize me?

Would you even second guess your opinion of me?

There is more to these walls than I like to explain.

I can no longer be what anyone wants me to be.

So if you want me, you need to understand that I am not what you want me to be.

Nor will I ask you to be what you are not.

Can you show me who you are?

Would you even know how?

My time is too precious to be wasted, this life is too short to dwell on the impossible.

Your actions account for everything feeling.

But what happened to your words..

they mean something in my mind.

Stuck on this track..

It may be early but can we meet where our souls are showing?

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

2010-04-07T22:47:00.001-07:00

As this pain swells up again,
I can't stop the plunge.
This slithering through my veins,
Trying to attack my heart.
Seizing up with tears I cannot help.
I feel so cold,
No one to save me again.
If only I could save myself,
I dont have the strength.
My heart aches so terribly.
I love to be lonely,
when there is no one to help.
A vicious cycle keeps repeating itself.
Alone, Alone,
Where I put myself from time to time.
I am given no other alternative than this,
As I bury these feelings again..
I will pretend I am okay, once again.

Jaded Seclusion

2010-03-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

As the day winds down my energy dwindles while my imagination is only beginning to awaken.

Go through my routine its so easy to shut it all out of my head.

My body pulses with pain created by my jaded mind.

I want to let them into my heart and share myself,

Could they pay mind to my guts spilling on the floor.

Everything I am staining their shallow conscious.

In the morning will they remember what I said.

It meant so much to me, what does it mean to them?
The care I have is especially shown by how much I expand my soul to another person.
My heart hurts each time I am told I don't show enough.
Would you even fucking notice?
Would you feel each word as it escapes into the air?

Seduction of the Heart

2010-03-08T16:18:00.000-08:00

Conviction in every word, faint contradiction in your actions.
Sweetly your energy caresses me.
Doubt snakes up next to me, am I blind to this?
I have met so many good magicians.
Pulling reality out of lies.
Should I trust this beauty?
Or leave it all behind....

Full moon effect

2010-03-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

Show me things I have never seen.

Tell me things you would ever tell anyone else.

Make this novocaine feeling fade from my body.

Take me on a journey, far away from civilization.

Be the friend I couldn't live without.

Laugh with me until you hurt.

Help me to feel the love that I'm sure is a fairytale.

I want to believe in happiness.

My Self Preservation

2010-01-21T21:49:00.000-08:00

He feels so close as his skin rests against mine.

My mind is wandering again, unable to stop.

I feel so alone even when he is next to me.

I don't dare to move for fear this is merely an illusion.

The understanding he has for who I am is scarce.

What he knows of my soul is nothing.

I long for the feeling,

that when I lie next to someone I feel complete.

Only the feeling of being alone comes with it.

He thinks he can save me from this.

I feel too reluctant to allow this to become.

Things never feel as right as they should.

When I can't stand it any longer.

I hold my breath and plunge into my deep watery safety.

I smile as my feet hit the soft grainy sand.

When I open my eyes my cares drift away.

This is not where I drown in loneliness nor depression.

This is where I escape from their expectations.

The place I drown in sweet love, love for myself, love for my son & love for the universe.

This longing is only temporary, I will find what I deserve in time.

As for now.. The water feels so warm.

Utopia

2010-01-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

I am awoken from a deep state of sleep and sit up. The forest outside my window is calling me. Curious, I get out of my bed and slowly approach the forest. Slightly scared and excited I wander into the mist the further I walk the more my body is entangled in bliss. My senses are filled with feelings of knowledge and strength. I fall to my knees, and the wind picks me up off of the ground. I fumble for the earth beneath me, but nothing is found. I search for an explanation for this phenomenon. The wind picks up once more and I am swept quickly through the mist towards a blinding light. This cannot be the end, am I dead? I finally break through the mist and I am astonished. Before my eyes is something I never could have imagined. A beauty beyond my own comprehension.... Love flows through my veins for this wondrous sight. Where am I and what brought me here? Once more a gush pushes me, but this time to the ground where I softly place my feet. Overwhelming comfort surrounds me, and I finally know I found where I belong. I close my eyes and let out a pleased sigh as a phoenix flies overhead and the warm sun smiles down on me.

Pretty Little Deceit

2010-01-12T21:02:00.000-08:00

You whisper your lies beneath your whiskers.

The things you eat, a mere echo of what hides beneath those looks.
Split seconds we have shared, yet you try to scurry in fast.
I cannot stand you, too many lessons have I learned.
You scratched me once, You scratched me Twice.
I think I have already had enough.

Do me no harm

2010-01-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

Do me no harm, I have become so numb to it.
It’s no wonder why I am this way.
Pain runs deep, my blood boils and rots my thoughts.
I can’t even look at any situation without this disease overwhelming my brain.
and the people I know and lost, only feed this jaded state.
Happiness shows up once in a while, only to get ambushed and carried into my dreams.
I can fake it, I can hide this devouring sickness.
Keep that forced smile shining.
I promise I will only ever bring you down.
I am the shit the flies swarm around.
You try to understand, I wont give you a starting point.
I want to show you my anger.
Can you lend an ear?
To listen to all my shit.
Can I staple up your mouth?
I would like to have a turn.
My dear, my words will make you recoil.
Run and hide cause I don’t want to hear your judgement.
I would rather you die than to listen to you act like you have a clue.
You cant fix me so dont fucking try.
And your god he hates my very exsistance.
so why shouldnt you?
I may be acting like I care about what you’re saying.
But I stopped caring when you did.
I choose to be so hidden behind these walls.
You only think of me as having an egotistical mind.
So run and hide.
I dont think you could understand me.
It may be too late for me, Save yourself.
I am already dead.
I don’t want pity it will make me want to puke.
You’re fucking lies I see right through.
Just me in my mind & the soul I keep alive.

The truth or lies. Do you not understand?

Serenity

2010-01-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

I breathe deeply and feel the warmth embrace my soul.
I feel so lost in this relaxed state.
Thoughts cross my mind slowly,
Whispering comfort in my ears.
The music playing soothes and calms the blood in my veins.
I am in sync with the universe once again,
This trapped stress melts and pours out of my skin.
Flowing like the mighty rivers into the sea,
I rid myself of this negative and unhealthy energy.
I allow it to escape,
Welcoming this beautiful state of bliss.
I breathe out and breathe in again.

The Time Passed

2010-01-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

You took all you could from me,
Leeching on and enveloping my soul,
What I kept true was what I buried deep inside.

You hoped that I would stay the person you created,
I can tell you now,
You never fucking knew me at all,
You only reap what you sow,
These feelings I have held in too long,
No one to utter them to,
Now its my turn.

You didn’t leave me in ruin,
Despite those mind games and the thousands of tears I wasted,
I wouldn’t let it end that way,
So I can admit I took my revenge,
If I was not the one to teach you the consequence that you deserved,
No one else would.

I found myself that summer after you went,
Even after all those crying calls and the suicide threats,
You thought you could get me back with your sick tactics,
Only to blow up in your face.

You broke my spirit,
Just like a majestic mustang in the plains,
Beaten and bruised,
I came to an end,
A decision all my own,
Deal with what you instilled in me,
Or leave you behind and become better and strong again.

What did you expect me to do?
You acted as if I was the bad one.
Time and time again,
Guilted me into pity,
You tell everyone your side of the story,
Do they believe that I am a bad person?
How could they know otherwise.

You were in the beginning the way you made me after this game,
Heartless and tyrannical,
Now I can see the stupidity on my part,
I was young and stupid,
And you were jaded and needed a rebound.

I just hope you realize,
This was never meant to work out.