My Self Preservation

He feels so close as his skin rests against mine.

My mind is wandering again, unable to stop.

I feel so alone even when he is next to me.

I don't dare to move for fear this is merely an illusion.

The understanding he has for who I am is scarce.

What he knows of my soul is nothing.

I long for the feeling,

that when I lie next to someone I feel complete.

Only the feeling of being alone comes with it.

He thinks he can save me from this.

I feel too reluctant to allow this to become.

Things never feel as right as they should.

When I can't stand it any longer.

I hold my breath and plunge into my deep watery safety.

I smile as my feet hit the soft grainy sand.

When I open my eyes my cares drift away.

This is not where I drown in loneliness nor depression.

This is where I escape from their expectations.

The place I drown in sweet love, love for myself, love for my son & love for the universe.

This longing is only temporary, I will find what I deserve in time.

As for now.. The water feels so warm.