She Is A Fickle Bitch

The sea comes crashing onto the pier of my life. She seems so sweet and calming most of the time, although lately she has been nothing but rough on me.

Melancholy tastes sting my mouth as I take a drag of my cigarette. Where do you run when you know all your problems are of your own doing? I cannot place blame elsewhere for I know it all starts with my ability to breathe and cope. Everything in this life is in wax and wane with us. We create it all. So why is it, that even though I try so hard to stay in the sun... the dark finds me? They say without struggle there is no gain. Is that really universal? I just would like to think that even for a short amount of time in a persons life that that would fade. Are all those moments wasted on childhood? We must truly be damned to suffer throughout our whole lives. To think, that with all the struggling that some people go through... some never get out. Will I ever get an end? This life is meant to be a learning experience of course, but where's my easy street? I guess I need to find something that cannot be damaged by anything to take joy from when the rest of my world is chaos.

Brave New Journey

I believe its time to start this blog on a different journey.

Today..

You know what its like when you look outside the window and you feel a longing for the chance to feel some greater emotion than the feeling of just being here?

As if a glimpse of extraordinary perception just broke through.. I love the feeling, the aching for the chance to fly or a dramatic change to occur in front of my eyes in a matter of minutes. I want to stare outside my window and make something explode or grow or an AMAZING mind bending thing to just.. appear.

Often I just stare in amazement at how beautiful this world we call home really is.  The waxing and waning of everything invigorating as it is, makes me want to feel it all in one instant like an orgasm. 

Cause and effect.

Put the headphones in to drown it all out. Those feelings that are so easily buried refuse to let me choke on them this time. It will all just go away, I can pretend. No, it wont. Furthermore you don't care. Making matters worse, That common sense never kicked in.  Almost as if your ignoring it too, only your not failing as miserably. So preoccupied by the visual realm, I am stuck here festering as I await you to wake up. I have not the right to be angry I am sure I will be reminded a few times. A sad attempt at showing you give a damn, A meager "sorry". Theres got to be excuses for what you have done, Of course... No responsibility taken. 

I am sorry for my sometimes headstrong intolerance. 

One of those nights

I can feel the insomnia creeping over my senses. Almost like some one angered the killer bees in my head. The luminous moon is having its way with the world. Tides are rising in my room as I lie here. Distressed and unable to ignore the trapped energy. Silently I scream hoping for it to subside. I'm driving on the freeway going two hundred mph. The people, ideas and conversations shoot past me. I cannot stop this car, but only wait for it to crash.

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Thank You

You listen where I have been ignored.

You care when no one else does.

You appreciate me even when I don't think I do enough.

You heal my wounds everyday.

You make me happy when I'm feeling like nothing is going right.

You treat my son like he is yours.

You make me feel like nothing in the world matters to you except our little family.

You help me feel beautiful even when I feel self conscious.

You have a soul that resonates, its so beautiful.

You hold me in your arms and help me feel so safe.

You do so much for me to take some of the load off

You help me feel love like I didn't think possible.

I can't put it all down in words this list goes on too long. All that matters is that we love you forever baby.

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My Love for Art

I acquired a interesting painting and it has my gears turning. I have always been a fan of the odd and absurd. So I've been thinking I really want to take some art classes and create some of my own oddities. I think it would be a fun and productive hobby I could start. Spend free time releasing stresses.... Yes sir :)

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High Expectations

Lately I find it hard to juggle my social and personal life. I have always avoided having many friends for various reasons. Right now I do have more friends around than I can handle. With the territory of friendship comes a certain amount of time needed to keep the friendship alive. Some people require and desire more time than others. I also have a personal life that is extremely demanding, my three year old being the main occupant of my time leaving little time for said friends. This doesn't bother me, as I do have friends who are understanding of my life and do have busy lives of their own. I just can't fathom why it is that ignorance and selfishness is so easy to feel, but understanding and patience is not. I do try hard to give everyone time. I apologize for my busy life.

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Hold me down

After all is said and done I still wonder. Like something was not finished in this. Through all the bull shit and hurt my comfort zone still remains. The side of everyone that secretly likes the pain. Pain that helps you feel alive. Pain that I secretly love. I cannot admit myself to this lunacy as much as I do love it. My good old friend depression smiles at me through the mirror and asks me to stay the night. I fear I may give in. You beckon to me so sweetly your voice whispers in my ear. The temptation grows so greatly. My sweetheart, my love.. Go away, for I cannot stand the sight of you any longer.

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Goodbye

The memories that I used to hold dear are like a stranger I can barely see right in front of me. Try as I might to focus my eyes it only makes them more of a blur. Something shakes me from behind, trying to suck me back in. No turning around now. I have no want for the dark to swallow me or for the pain. A new journey has only just begun. I will not allow my old inhibitions to keep me from happiness any longer. This is my life I'm living. I'm ready to stay in the sun.

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Mother

Here I am.

Waiting for the opportune moment to slam on these brakes.

 I want to slow time down.

Feel each moment warming the skin on my face, pouring onto the floor like a waterfall.

The energy I feel coming from everything makes me burst with love.

The mountains scream with each raping the excavators perform.

 The trees sing to my soul and smile at me as I stare at them.

My heart longs for natures embrace, the soothing healing touch of mothers fingers.

 "I love you" she tells me, almost as if to reassure my soul.

"Become me, as I have become you."

I know we are all one with our mother.

Lonely mind.

I find that I am not the best at saying the things I want to say. I'm not good at letting people get to know me either. Some days I wish there was someone who I could spill my guts to. My mind is my prison ultimately. The only deep emotions I can come to let out flow onto paper or in this case the keyboard. I scream for a resolution to my caged mind. I dont think anyone wants to hear what I have in there.

one day perhaps...

Blah Blah Blah

Weird.


I feel a change sweeping over my life. Although chaos is so evident and developing I feel more pleased with everything. I think my emotional scars are starting to fade quickly. What he did to me is no longer effecting my conscious mind. I have completely stopped taking bullshit from anyone. The law of attraction is a beautiful thing. I have been working towards mastering the use of it. So far the little things are happening easier and easier. meh, this is becoming more of a rambling than anything else lol.

One day my prince will come.

Oh baby, your energy caresses me so sweetly.  

My heart pumps our love through my veins like an addiction. 

I adore every touch, every hug, every kiss. 

I used to think I understood what love is. 

I feel it in every inch of my body.

I want to be your wife, your everything for the rest of this life and for eternity. 

I can't walk further into this life without you by my side. 

I love everything about you. 

I am ready to feel something real forever.

I am ready to live for you. 

My night in shining armor, my man, my everything.

Wasted Moments Lost in Time

If I peeled back my skin and could show you my insides would you recognize me? 

Would you even second guess your opinion of me? 

There is more to these walls than I like to explain.

 I can no longer be what anyone wants me to be. 

So if you want me, you need to understand that I am not what you want me to be. 

Nor will I ask you to be what you are not.

Can you show me who you are? 

Would you even know how? 

My time is too precious to be wasted, this life is too short to dwell on the impossible. 

Your actions account for everything feeling. 

But what happened to your words.. 

they mean something in my mind.

Stuck on this track.. 

It may be early but can we meet where our souls are showing?

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

As this pain swells up again,
I can't stop the plunge.
This slithering through my veins,
Trying to attack my heart.
Seizing up with tears I cannot help.
I feel so cold,
No one to save me again. 
If only I could save myself,
I dont have the strength.
My heart aches so terribly.
I love to be lonely,
when there is no one to help.
A vicious cycle keeps repeating itself.
Alone, Alone,
Where I put myself from time to time.
I am given no other alternative than this,
As I bury these feelings again..
I will pretend I am okay, once again.

Jaded Seclusion

As the day winds down my energy dwindles while my imagination is only beginning to awaken.

Go through my routine its so easy to shut it all out of my head.

My body pulses with pain created by my jaded mind.

I want to let them into my heart and share myself,

Could they pay mind to my guts spilling on the floor.

Everything I am staining their shallow conscious.

In the morning will they remember what I said.

It meant so much to me, what does it mean to them?
The care I have is especially shown by how much I expand my soul to another person.
My heart hurts each time I am told I don't show enough.
Would you even fucking notice?
Would you feel each word as it escapes into the air?
 

Seduction of the Heart

Conviction in every word, faint contradiction in your actions.
Sweetly your energy caresses me.
Doubt snakes up next to me, am I blind to this?
I have met so many good magicians.
Pulling reality out of lies.
Should I trust this beauty?
Or leave it all behind....

Full moon effect

 
 Show me things I have never seen.

Tell me things you would ever tell anyone else.

Make this novocaine feeling fade from my body.

Take me on a journey, far away from civilization.

Be the friend I couldn't live without.

Laugh with me until you hurt.

Help me to feel the love that I'm sure is a fairytale.

I want to believe in happiness.

My Self Preservation

He feels so close as his skin rests against mine.

My mind is wandering again, unable to stop.

I feel so alone even when he is next to me.

I don't dare to move for fear this is merely an illusion.

The understanding he has for who I am is scarce.

What he knows of my soul is nothing.

I long for the feeling,

that when I lie next to someone I feel complete.

Only the feeling of being alone comes with it.

He thinks he can save me from this.

I feel too reluctant to allow this to become.

Things never feel as right as they should.

When I can't stand it any longer.

I hold my breath and plunge into my deep watery safety.

I smile as my feet hit the soft grainy sand.

When I open my eyes my cares drift away.

This is not where I drown in loneliness nor depression.

This is where I escape from their expectations.

The place I drown in sweet love, love for myself, love for my son & love for the universe.

This longing is only temporary, I will find what I deserve in time.

As for now.. The water feels so warm.

Utopia

I am awoken from a deep state of sleep and sit up. The forest outside my window is calling me. Curious, I get out of my bed and slowly approach the forest. Slightly scared and excited I wander into the mist the further I walk the more my body is entangled in bliss. My senses are filled with feelings of knowledge and strength. I fall to my knees, and the wind picks me up off of the ground. I fumble for the earth beneath me, but nothing is found. I search for an explanation for this phenomenon. The wind picks up once more and I am swept quickly through the mist towards a blinding light. This cannot be the end, am I dead? I finally break through the mist and I am astonished. Before my eyes is something I never could have imagined. A beauty beyond my own comprehension.... Love flows through my veins for this wondrous sight. Where am I and what brought me here? Once more a gush pushes me, but this time to the ground where I softly place my feet. Overwhelming comfort surrounds me, and I finally know I found where I belong. I close my eyes and let out a pleased sigh as a phoenix flies overhead and the warm sun smiles down on me.