My Self Preservation

He feels so close as his skin rests against mine.

My mind is wandering again, unable to stop.

I feel so alone even when he is next to me.

I don't dare to move for fear this is merely an illusion.

The understanding he has for who I am is scarce.

What he knows of my soul is nothing.

I long for the feeling,

that when I lie next to someone I feel complete.

Only the feeling of being alone comes with it.

He thinks he can save me from this.

I feel too reluctant to allow this to become.

Things never feel as right as they should.

When I can't stand it any longer.

I hold my breath and plunge into my deep watery safety.

I smile as my feet hit the soft grainy sand.

When I open my eyes my cares drift away.

This is not where I drown in loneliness nor depression.

This is where I escape from their expectations.

The place I drown in sweet love, love for myself, love for my son & love for the universe.

This longing is only temporary, I will find what I deserve in time.

As for now.. The water feels so warm.

Utopia

I am awoken from a deep state of sleep and sit up. The forest outside my window is calling me. Curious, I get out of my bed and slowly approach the forest. Slightly scared and excited I wander into the mist the further I walk the more my body is entangled in bliss. My senses are filled with feelings of knowledge and strength. I fall to my knees, and the wind picks me up off of the ground. I fumble for the earth beneath me, but nothing is found. I search for an explanation for this phenomenon. The wind picks up once more and I am swept quickly through the mist towards a blinding light. This cannot be the end, am I dead? I finally break through the mist and I am astonished. Before my eyes is something I never could have imagined. A beauty beyond my own comprehension.... Love flows through my veins for this wondrous sight. Where am I and what brought me here? Once more a gush pushes me, but this time to the ground where I softly place my feet. Overwhelming comfort surrounds me, and I finally know I found where I belong. I close my eyes and let out a pleased sigh as a phoenix flies overhead and the warm sun smiles down on me.

Pretty Little Deceit

You whisper your lies beneath your whiskers.

The things you eat, a mere echo of what hides beneath those looks.
Split seconds we have shared, yet you try to scurry in fast.
I cannot stand you, too many lessons have I learned.
You scratched me once, You scratched me Twice.
I think I have already had enough.

Do me no harm

Do me no harm, I have become so numb to it.
It’s no wonder why I am this way.
Pain runs deep, my blood boils and rots my thoughts.
I can’t even look at any situation without this disease overwhelming my brain.
and the people I know and lost, only feed this jaded state.
Happiness shows up once in a while, only to get ambushed and carried into my dreams.
I can fake it, I can hide this devouring sickness.
Keep that forced smile shining.
I promise I will only ever bring you down.
I am the shit the flies swarm around.
You try to understand, I wont give you a starting point.
I want to show you my anger.
Can you lend an ear?
To listen to all my shit.
Can I staple up your mouth?
I would like to have a turn.
My dear, my words will make you recoil.
Run and hide cause I don’t want to hear your judgement.
I would rather you die than to listen to you act like you have a clue.
You cant fix me so dont fucking try.
And your god he hates my very exsistance.
so why shouldnt you?
I may be acting like I care about what you’re saying.
But I stopped caring when you did.
I choose to be so hidden behind these walls.
You only think of me as having an egotistical mind.
So run and hide.
I dont think you could understand me.
It may be too late for me, Save yourself.
I am already dead.
I don’t want pity it will make me want to puke.
You’re fucking lies I see right through.
Just me in my mind & the soul I keep alive.

The truth or lies. Do you not understand?

Serenity

I breathe deeply and feel the warmth embrace my soul.
I feel so lost in this relaxed state.
Thoughts cross my mind slowly,
Whispering comfort in my ears.
The music playing soothes and calms the blood in my veins.
I am in sync with the universe once again,
This trapped stress melts and pours out of my skin.
Flowing like the mighty rivers into the sea,
I rid myself of this negative and unhealthy energy.
I allow it to escape,
Welcoming this beautiful state of bliss.
I breathe out and breathe in again.

The Time Passed

You took all you could from me,
Leeching on and enveloping my soul,
What I kept true was what I buried deep inside.

You hoped that I would stay the person you created,
I can tell you now,
You never fucking knew me at all,
You only reap what you sow,
These feelings I have held in too long,
No one to utter them to,
Now its my turn.

You didn’t leave me in ruin,
Despite those mind games and the thousands of tears I wasted,
I wouldn’t let it end that way,
So I can admit I took my revenge,
If I was not the one to teach you the consequence that you deserved,
No one else would.

I found myself that summer after you went,
Even after all those crying calls and the suicide threats,
You thought you could get me back with your sick tactics,
Only to blow up in your face.

You broke my spirit,
Just like a majestic mustang in the plains,
Beaten and bruised,
I came to an end,
A decision all my own,
Deal with what you instilled in me,
Or leave you behind and become better and strong again.

What did you expect me to do?
You acted as if I was the bad one.
Time and time again,
Guilted me into pity,
You tell everyone your side of the story,
Do they believe that I am a bad person?
How could they know otherwise.

You were in the beginning the way you made me after this game,
Heartless and tyrannical,
Now I can see the stupidity on my part,
I was young and stupid,
And you were jaded and needed a rebound.

I just hope you realize,
This was never meant to work out.